門診時間是House最經典的橋段之一,尤其第一二季的門診時間效(笑)果最佳
憑著一股熱情又開始把中英對照找出來
用的是字幕組風軟的翻譯,如果可以我最希望用的版本是公視的
為什麼公視的翻譯不是DVD發行的內容呢...orz
因為門診的量很多很大,看心情整理到S1的第四集,接下來的第五集由門診時間展開的主病情....
我應該還是會記錄發生在診療室的對話,請一起來看看豪斯與病患間的絕妙對談吧XD
(我希望我的熱情可以把第一二季的門診都整理出來...)

《S1X1 PILOT》

House:中午12:52 House醫生上工,記下來。你們這邊有第四台嗎?再過8分鐘《杏林春暖》(General Hospital 的劇名譯名)要開始播了。
Cuddy:(隨後出現)沒有第四台,但我們有病人。
House:妳自己不能發阿司匹林嗎?我得做文書工作。
Cuddy:我保證你第一個病例就很有趣。
House:不停咳嗽?流鼻水的鼻子顏色很可笑?
Cuddy:病人說有背部痙攣。
House:喔?我記得在新英格蘭醫藥雜誌上讀過類似的東西。
Cuddy:病人是橙色的。
House:顏色?
Cuddy:不,就像橘子。
House:妳是說黃色,黃疸症?
Cuddy:我是說橙色。
House:多橙色?可能是……
Cuddy:一號檢查室(Cuddy文件硬交給House後從容離去)

病人:我在打高爾夫,胸部被戳了一下,有一點痛,但我沒有停。第二天早上,我幾乎站不起來了。
(House突然微笑起來)
病人:啊,你在微笑,我想那表示並不嚴重。
(House繼續悶笑,掏出口袋裡的招牌Vicodin)
病人:那是什麼?你在幹麼?
House:止疼藥。(一口吞盡)
病人:喔,你的、你的腿。
House:不,它們很好吃。你想要一個嗎?會讓你的背好受一點。
(病人半信半疑的接下藥丸)
House:不幸的是,你有個大麻煩。你的老婆有外遇了。
病人:什麼!?
House:你變顏色了,白癡。你沒注意是一回事,但你妻子沒注意他丈夫變顏色意味著她根本不注意。另外,你是不是吃了一大堆的紅蘿蔔跟維生素?
(病人癡傻的點頭)
House:紅蘿蔔讓你變黃,菸鹼酸讓你變紅。去找點塗料,注意飲食。另外找個好律師。
(House開門,然後關上門揚長而去)

House: 12:52 PM Dr. House checks in, please write that down. Do you have cable TV here somewhere? General Hospital starts in 8 minutes.

Cuddy: No TV, but we've got patients.

House: Can't you give out the aspirin yourself? I'll do paperwork.

Cuddy: I made sure your first case was an interesting one.

House: Cough just won't go away, runny nose looks a funny color.

Cuddy: Patient admitted complaining of back spasms.

House: I think I read about something like that in the New England Journal of Medicine.

Cuddy: Patient is orange.

House: The color?

Cuddy: No, the fruit.

House: You mean yellow; it's jaundice.

Cuddy: I mean orange.

House: Well, how orange?

Cuddy: Exam room 1.

[Cut to House in exam room 1 with Orange Guy]

Orange Guy: I was playing golf and my cleat got stuck. I mean, it hurt a little but I kept playing. The next morning I could barely stand up. Well, you're smiling so I take it that means this isn't serious.

[House takes out his pills]

Orange Guy: What's that? What are you doing?

House: Painkillers.

Orange Guy: Oh, for you, for your leg.

House: No, 'cause they're yummy. You want one? It'll make your back feel better.

[Guy nods and House gives him a painkiller]

House: Unfortunately, you have a deeper problem. Your wife is having an affair.

Orange Guy: What?!

House: You're orange, you moron! It's one thing for you not to notice, but if your wife hasn't picked up on the fact that her husband has changed color, she's just not paying attention. By the way, do you consume just a ridiculous amount of carrots and mega-dose vitamins?

[Guy nods]

House: The carrots turn you yellow, the niacin turns you red. Get some finger-paints and do the math. And get a good lawyer.

[House leaves the room]


《S1X2 PATERNITY》

<例一>
病人家屬:(和懷抱裡的嬰兒玩耍著)沒有嬰兒食品,只來自母親健康的自然母乳。
House:好吃。
病人家屬:她的臉一夜之間腫成這樣。
House:嗯哼。(伸手量baby額溫)沒發燒。(摸baby脖子,轉頭看向病歷)腺體正常,錯過了她的接種疫苗的日子。
病人家屬:我們不接種疫苗。(繼續低頭玩寶寶)
House:(仰天看了三秒)覺得沒用?
病人家屬:我想那些跨國制藥公司想要我認為它們有效,好放寬他們的底線。
House:嗯。(示意想拿青蛙布娃娃去逗弄寶寶)可以嗎?
病人家屬:當然。
House:(發出怪聲逗寶寶笑,之後轉而看著布偶)全天然不加染劑,這是一個好的商機:全天然的兒童玩具。兒童玩具公司不會隨意的做他們的青蛙,他們在研究和發展的費用上不撒謊,對玩具公司來說最糟糕的情況也就是做了一個很無趣的青蛙。
(病人家屬和寶寶持續傻笑著)
House:(發出怪聲逗寶寶幾下)你還知道另一個好的商機嗎?袖珍玲瓏的寶寶棺材,妳可以做成青蛙綠、消防車的紅色,真的!母乳中的抗體僅可以保護孩子半年,所以這些公司認為他們可以詐欺妳,他們認為可以肆無忌憚向妳索取一切以保全孩子的生命。想改變這些嗎?證明他們是錯的。沒幾個父母像妳這樣,寧願讓孩子死了也不肯花40塊接種疫苗。相信我,價錢會掉得很快的。
(House又繼續發出怪聲逗寶寶,但病人家屬臉色大變)
病人家屬:告訴我她得了什麼病?
House:(長嘆一聲)感冒。

[House walks away. Cut to the clinic and House is in an exam room with a young mother and her baby.]

Young Mother: No formula, just mommy's healthy natural breast milk.

House: Yummy.

Young Mother: Her whole face just got swollen like this overnight.

House: Mmhmm. No fever, glands normal, missing her vaccination dates.

Young Mother: We're not vaccinating.

[Baby giggles and coos]

Young Mother: [Takes a toy frog and starts to make frog sounds] Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [Giggles]

[Baby smiles and giggles too]

House: Think they don't work?

Young Mother: I think some multinational pharmaceutical company wants me to think they work. Pad their bottom line.

House: Mmmm. May I? [He takes the frog and starts to do the gribbit noise with the baby]

Young Mother: [Whispered] Sure.

House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. [The baby laughs] All natural no dies. That's a good business: all-natural children's toys. Those toy companies, they don't arbitrarily mark up their frogs. They don't lie about how much they spend in research and development. The worst a toy company can be accused of is making a really boring frog.

[Young Mother laughs and so does House. The baby giggles again]

House: Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit. You know another really good business? Teeny tiny baby coffins. You can get them in frog green or fire engine red. Really. The antibodies in yummy mummy only protect the kid for 6 months, which is why these companies think they can gouge you. They think that you'll spend whatever they ask to keep your kid alive. Want to change things? Prove them wrong. A few hundred parents like you decide they'd rather let their kid die then cough up 40 bucks for a vaccination, believe me, prices will drop REALLY fast. Gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit, gribbit.

Young Mother: Tell me what she has.

House: A cold.


<例二>
(病人掀開褲子,露出膝蓋上方的傷口)
House:是被感染了,有個很大的傷口,就像是你鎚個釘子進去來宣洩壓力。
病人:我不會那麼做的。
House:雖然傷口不規則,這不是圓柱形的,形狀是三角形,所以……不是釘子。切肉刀?
病人:老婆的指甲刀。
House:指甲刀!(懊惱狀)是,疼痛會讓你做蠢事。(從口袋掏出Vicodin)來點止疼片?
病人:好。(接過藥片)
House:乾杯!
(兩人一起吃下藥丸)
House:那麼,你住在普林斯頓嗎?
病人:沒有。
House:在這工作?
病人:沒有。為什麼你……
House:你的陰莖受傷了嗎?
病人:沒有!什麼?應該那樣嗎!?
House:不,我原以為問了一個不該問的問題。你的律師會喜歡的。
病人:我為什麼要告你?我希望你治療我。
House:你來自新澤西州的Maplewood,對吧?
病人:是的。
House:你為什麼開了70英里就為了得到一個連九歲小孩都能診斷治療的病?
(病人低頭看著傷口)
House:那些流出來的膿就是個暗示。
病人:我那時在城裡。
House:不是為了家庭、也不是為了工作。你開了70英里就為了去間不用預約的診所。你已經錯過了路上的兩家醫院了,不是你對那些醫院有些不滿意,就是他們不喜歡你。我猜你已經起訴了在Maplewood過半的醫生,而剩下的現在都不願幫你。很諷刺是吧?就像那個起訴狼的孩子。你知道嗎,我打賭我們有一個叫「狼」的醫生,那豈不是很完美嗎?我要通知他。
病人:好,你知道嗎,謝謝了!我會找另外一個醫生來處理的!
House: 我沒說不醫你,我們先幫你引流膝蓋、做些實驗室研究,再幫你弄好。
病人:為什麼你要這麼做?
House:我是一個善解人意的人。
<><><>過幾天<><><>
病人:House醫生
House:Hi!Fusten先生,我還在想你什麼時候回來呢。你要給我什麼文件嗎?
病人:你給我精神壓力很大。
House:我也希望是這樣。(接過病人塞來的文件)什麼?是因為你的律師對你收費太優惠了,還是這樣更有趣?
病人:很明顯我是在準備考慮和解。
House:你有淋病。
病人:不,我沒有。
House:也許你是對的,但我得到的實驗室數據顯示你有。可能是假陽性,但是通常我會再檢查一次,不過反正你在這裡,我們就先辦前面的事吧。
病人:你只是在嚇唬我。
House:你知道這是可以舉報的,有公共衛生管理法規定。
病人:我會讓我妻子知道的。
House:喔,你不用這麼麻煩,州政府會打電話給你。要是你沒有,我相信一切都會漸漸平息,沒什麼大不了的。還有一個簡單的方法來確定,你找你其中一個醫生來做測試就行。
(病人與House對看兩秒,立刻想抽回文件,但House抽的更快)
House:現在這些是我的,我們法庭上見。


[Cut to an exam room. There's a guy with a really nasty pussy abscess on his knee. House backs off after he sees it.]

House: Geesh. It's infected, with a really big hole like you stuck a nail in it to relieve the pressure.

Mr. Funsten: I wouldn't do that.

House: Although the wound is irregular, not cylindrical, it's shaped like a triangle, so not a nail. Steak knife?

Funsten: Wife's nail file.

House: [Whispered] Nail File. Yeah, pain'll make you do stupid things. Something to take the edge off? [Takes out his pills and puts one in his hand]

Funsten: Yeah.

House: Cheers. [Dry swallows the pill and Funsten eats his] [Limps back
over and sits on a rolly stool] So, do you have family here in Princeton?

Funsten: No.

House: Here on work?

Funsten: No, why are you

House: Does your penis hurt?

Funsten: No. What? Should it?

House: No, just thought I'd toss you a really inappropriate question. Your lawyer's gonna love it.

Funsten: Why would I want to sue you? I want you to treat me.

House: You're from Maplewood, New Jersey. Right?

Funsten Yeah.

House: Now, why would you drive 70 miles to get treatment for a condition that a 9 year old could diagnose? It's the free-flowing pus. That's the tip off.

Funsten: I was in town.

House: Not for family, not for work. You drove 70 miles to a walk-in-clinic. You passed two hospitals on the road. Now, either you have a problem with those hospitals, or they have a problem with you. My guess is that you've sued half the doctors in Maplewood, and the rest are now refusing to treat you. It's ironic, isn't it? It's like the boy who sued wolf. You know what? I bet we have a doctor here named Wolfe. How perfect would that be? I'm gonna page him.

Funsten: Ok, you know what? Thank you, I'm gonna find a doctor to take care of this.

House: I didn't say I wouldn't treat you. We'll drain your knee, run some lab work, fix you right up.

Funsten: Why would you do that?

House: I'm a people person.

<><><><><><><>

Funsten: Dr. House?

House: Hey, Mr. Funsten! I was wondering when you'd be back. Got some papers for me?

Funsten: You've caused me considerable mental distress.

House: I certainly hope so. [Funsten hands him an envelope] What? Too cheep to have your lawyer serve it for you, or is it more fun this way?

Funsten: I'm obviously prepared to consider a settlement.

House: You have gonorrhea.

Funsten: No, I don't!

House: Well, maybe you're right, but I have a lab result that says you do. It could be a false positive; normally I'd run a second test, but since you're here I'll just go with the first.

Funsten: You're just trying to scare me.

House: It's reportable you know, public health issue.

Funsten: I'll be sure to let my wife know.

House: Oh, don't bother yourself, the state will call for you. Look, if you're clean I'm sure this will all blow over, no big deal. There's an easy way to find out, get one of your doctors run a test.

[Funsten grabs for the papers, but House snatches them away.]

House: Uh-uh. These are mine now. I'll see you in court. [House enters the elevator.]



《S1X3 OCCAM'S RAZOR》

<例一>
Cuddy:你遲到半個小時。
House:病例太多了。
Cuddy:一個病例不叫「多」。
House:那今天我們要處理什麼?如果急症病患不多的話我要先回家了。
Cuddy:不,你不能回去。
House:好吧。(走向掛號室裡等待的一群病人)你好,各位病患者和關心他們的人,為了省些時間和避免無謂的閒聊,我是Gregory House醫生,你們可以叫我Greg。我是這個診所今天上午三個主診醫生的其中一個。
Cuddy:簡短、親切,還應該拿著文件。
House:這位容光煥發的是Lisa Cuddy醫生。Cuddy醫生管理這個醫院,所以,很不幸的是,她很忙沒時間幫你們看病。我是一個認證診斷醫師(看向Cuddy一眼),專長傳染病學和腎臟學。我是目前唯一一位受聘於這個門診卻違背她意願而受壓迫的醫生。那是真的,不是嗎?(Cuddy望著House)但不用擔心,因為對你們大部分人來講,找個猴子拿瓶莫疼錠都可以給你們看病。如果你們非常厭煩了,會看到我伸手拿這個。(伸到口袋拿出Vicodin)這是維可丁,是我的,你們不能用。而且,不,我不是在管理問題上有痛苦,而是我身體有病痛。但是誰知道呢?也許是我的錯,也許是我喝酒喝多了才告訴你們。那麼,誰想要我看病?
(眾人一片寂靜,表情耐人尋味的平靜)
House:那麼……誰寧願想等另外兩個傢伙來?
(眾人紛紛舉手,十分主動踴躍)
House:好吧,呃,如果你們改變主意的話,我會在一號診斷室。(轉身離去)
Cuddy:(走向前)Jodi Matthews?(某人舉手)請和House醫生一起到一號診斷室。

*病人略帶惶恐的神情有戳到我的笑穴。Cuddy根本不鳥House的長篇大論也很好笑XD

(House翻閱著Judi的病歷)
病人:以前是黃色的。
House:以前?
病人:現在不是了。
House:嗯~那真不好意思。
病人:我認為那可能是個問題,所以我就把這個帶來了。(從包包裡拿出一張色卡遞給House)
House:(接過色卡看了半秒)妳的鼻涕是……(翻過背面)蒼麒麟色。
病人:是的,上個星期。我應該擔心嗎?
House:噢,是的,非常
病人:真的?我想現在應該沒問題了。
House:還沒有,現在還沒有。怎麼了?醫護人員花了一個禮拜來接妳的911電話?
病人:你這個醫生不怎麼樣……是不是?
House:而妳無論做什麼都做得很差。
病人:你甚至還不了解我。
House:我知道妳要被炒了。那是為什麼妳的眼鏡還這麼新,妳的牙齒這麼白,妳趁現在還能買所以拚命買建康保險。
病人:我可能要辭職了。
House:如果你要辭職,上個星期當妳的鼻涕變成蒼麒麟色時妳就知道了。你要被炒了。
病人:我只是不喜歡被人點來點去。
House:(沉默幾秒)這個星期過兩天我可以幫妳做個全身檢查。
病人:(有些意外)謝謝。


[Cut to House entering the clinic.]

Cuddy: You're half an hour late.

House: Busy case load.

Cuddy: One case is not a "load".

House: So, how are we doing on cotton swabs today? If there's an acute shortage I could run home -

Cuddy: [looks at his leg] No, you couldn't.

House: Nice. [He walks over to the waiting room full of patients.] Hello, sick people and their loved ones! [Cuddy looks at him incredulously.] In the interest of saving time and avoiding a lot of boring chit-chat later, I'm Dr. Gregory House. You can call me Gregg. I'm one of three doctors staffing this clinic this morning.

Cuddy: Short, sweet.Grab a file.

House: This ray of sunshine is Dr. Lisa Cuddy. Dr. Cuddy runs this whole hospital so, unfortunately, she's much too busy to deal with you. I am a bored [looks at Cuddy] certified diagnostician with a double specialty of infectious disease and nephrology. I'm also the only doctor currently employed at this clinic who is here against his will. That is true, isn't it? [Cuddy just looks at him.] But not to worry, because for most of you this job could be done by a monkey with a bottle of Motrin. Speaking of which, if you're particularly annoying, you may see me reach for this. This is Vicodin. It's mine. You can't have any. And no, I do not have a pain management problem, I have a pain problem. But who knows? Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm too stoned to tell. So, who wants me? [None of the clinic patients seem too eager.] And who would rather wait for one of the other two doctors? [Everyone raises their hands.] Okay, well, I'll be in Exam Room 1 if you change your mind.

Cuddy: Jodi Matthews? [Jodi stands.] Please accompany Dr. House to Exam Room 1.


<例二>
(House正玩著手上的Gameboy)
病人:你在做什麼?
House:第四關了。
病人:不不,我是指……
House:我知道你指什麼,我們正在等。
病人:我喉嚨痛。
House:你說過了。
病人:我們還要等多久?
House:比你兩分鐘之前問的少兩分鐘。
(此時Cuddy進入診斷室)
病人:嗨!
Cuddy:嗨!我是Cuddy醫生,很高興見到你。
House:Cuddy醫生,感謝妳來會診。(關掉Gameboy)他的喉嚨好像有些狀況。
Cuddy:(拿起診斷工具)說「啊」。
病人:啊--
Cuddy:(確定病症轉頭對向House)他喉嚨痛。
House:當然,是的,為什麼我不……我是說,因為他說痛,所以我應該已經推測出他指的是喉嚨痛。
Cuddy:(走近House壓低聲音)我剛在開董事會議。
House:病人第一,是吧?
Cuddy:你對止咳糖的效果有點懷疑,所以不想開這種藥,嗯?
House:妳曾經問過我為什麼我總認為自己是對的,而我意識到妳是對的。……至少,我認為妳是對的。我並不是真的知道,是嗎?
(Cuddy微笑)
病人:嘿!我還在!
Cuddy:回家,喝些熱茶。(看了House一眼後離去)
House:好棒的建議。

[Cut to the clinic, where House is very involved in his Gameboy.]

Clinic patient: What are you doing?

House: Level 4.

Patient: No, I mean -

House: I know what you meant. We're waiting.

Patient: My throat hurts.

House: So you said.

Patient: How long are we waiting?

House: Two minutes less then when you asked me two minutes ago. [Cuddy walks in.]

Patient: Hi.

Cuddy: Hi. I'm Dr. Cuddy. Nice to meet you.

House: Dr. Cuddy, thanks for the consult. [He closes the Gameboy.] His throat seems to have some condition.

Cuddy: Say "Ah".

Patient. Ah.

Cuddy: He has a sore throat.

House: Of course! Yes, why didn't I… I mean, because he said that… it hurt, and I, I should have deduced that meant it was sore…

Cuddy: I was in a board meeting.

House: Patients come first, right?

Cuddy: Wouldn't want to prescribe a lozenge if there was any doubt about it's efficacy, huh?

House: You once asked why I think I'm always right, and I realized that you're right… at least, I think you're right. I don't really know now, do I? [Cuddy smiles.]

Patient: Hey! I'm here.

Cuddy: Go home. Drink some hot tea. [She leaves.]

House: Excellent counsel.


<例三>
(House依舊在玩他的Gameboy,對病人置之不理)
病人:還要多久?
House:9:30 我通知她時她在第八號病床(Game Over…把Gameboy遞給病人)接下來的半個小時玩這個吧。
(病人接過Gameboy開始玩,Foreman此時推門而入)
Foreman:我用了甲狀腺刺激素T3和T4型,患者對狀腺機能減退呈陰性。(病人抬頭瞄了一眼,Foreman看向病人)我不是在講妳。
House:他好轉的事實能顯示測試的可靠性。
Foreman:如果我是對的,那就是病毒感染。兩種情況總會發生一種:病人死了,或者病人免疫系統抵抗入侵的病菌。(疑惑看向病人)她怎麼了?
House:她跑了六公里後大腿受傷了,誰知道?也許是其他問題。
Foreman:(放棄貌)他好轉了,但那不能證實你是對的,只能證明他好轉了。(House耐人尋味的笑了)那、那不會是兩種疾病,那不可能是兩種病!
House:(繼續賤笑)我好開心你在這裡工作。
Foreman:(嘆氣)如果我是對的,那麼你開的抗生素會封鎖住腎和肝臟,阻止擊退病毒的能力。那會害死他的。
House:是啊,確實是個值得關注的問題。50元?(病人抬頭)不要把轉過來,那些閒著的猴子會圍上來。
Foreman:你想拿病人的健康做賭注?
House:你認為那很倒楣?你認為我們的敏感會使上帝打擊他?好,如果上帝真這樣了,你就賺了50塊。
病人:噢!(病人Game Over)
House:去檢查一下他的白血球含量。(從病人手中拿過Gameboy繼續玩)如果他如你所認為的在排斥病毒,那白血球數量就會高於標準。
(Wilson開門而入)
Wilson:嘿,Cuddy說你需要商量,什麼事?我很忙。

*本次病例他已經一整個無視病患存在了XD,後面好像還有找Wilson來代打的意味。

[Cut to House in the clinic exam room. He's again playing on the Gameboy.]

Patient: How much longer?

House: 9:30, I figure she was on the 8th hole when I paged her… [he grimaces as his guy dies, and hands her the Gameboy] Probably got another half hour. [She starts to play as Foreman opens the door.]

Foreman: I ran a TSH, T3 and T4. Patient's negative for hypothyroidism. [Patient looks up.] Not talking about you. [She goes back to the Gameboy.]

House: Well the fact that he's getting better would indicate the unreliability of the tests.

Foreman: If I'm right and it's a viral infection, one of two things always happens: patient dies or the patient's immune system fights off the invader. [nods toward patient] What's with her?

House: Her leg hurts after running six miles. Who knows, it could be anything!

Foreman: He's getting better. That doesn't prove you're right, it just proves he's getting better. [House smiles.] It, it's not two illnesses! It can't be two illnesses!

House: I am so glad you work here.

Foreman: If I'm right, the antibiotics you prescribed could block his kidneys and liver, impeding his ability to fight off the virus. Could kill him.

House: Well, that certainly would be a concern. Fifty bucks? [Patient looks up.] Don't look away, the space monkeys will be all over you.

Foreman: You wanna bet on the patient's health?

House: You think that's bad luck? Do you think that God will smite him because of our insensitivity? Well, if God does, you make a quick fifty. [Patient kills the little guy on the Gameboy.] Go check his white blood count. If he's fighting off a virus like you think it'll be way up. [He starts to play on the Gameboy again. Foreman leaves, and Wilson enters.]

Wilson: Hey, Cuddy said you needed a consult, what's up? I'm busy.


<例四>
(House一開門就看見一位病人站著等候他)
House:你感覺怎麼樣?
病人:很好。
House:很好,我感覺也不錯。我今天可以提早一小時下班,知道為什麼嗎?因為我拍了老板的馬屁,你曾經這樣做過嗎?我認為她說同意只是因為她想加強那種行為,希望我給一大堆人拍馬屁,比如說她也希望我拍你馬屁。你想怎麼樣?希望醫生在你死的時候握著你的手,還是當你好轉了醫生不理睬你呢?我猜想如果一個醫生在你死的時候不理你一定很糟糕。
病人:我要走了。
House:你認為它會自己出來?
(沉默幾秒對看)
House:我們討論的東西很大嗎?因為事實上,有時是會自己出來的。如果是小東西的話就沒有什麼問題,它會被巧妙地軟軟地包起來,然後噗通一下出來。大東西的話,從醫學的角度來說,你就得割道缺口出來。
病人:你怎麼……
House:你在這裡半小時了,你一直沒坐下,那告訴我它的位置。你不曾告訴我那是什麼,表示那是羞辱性的。你的手臂上有個小鳥紋身,那告訴我你對羞辱有高度的忍受能力,所以我認為那並不是痔瘡。我已經當二十年的醫生,沒什麼東西讓我覺得驚訝了。
病人:是一台mp3。
House:(看了幾秒)嗯……那是……那是因為大小或是形狀還是重低音效果?
病人:我們要怎麼做?
House:(看一下手錶)我打算等等。
病人:為什麼?
(House離開診療室)
House:好,已經三點鐘了,我要走了。你能告訴Cuddy醫生在2號診療侍有個病人需要她的關注嗎?而且美國唱片工業協會(RIAA)希望她檢查一下非法下載的事。

[Cut back to the clinic. House enters to find a boy standing in the room.]

House: How you doing?

Patient: Okay.

House: Great. I'm doing good, too. I get to knock off an hour early today. Know why? 'Cause I kissed my boss' ass, you ever do that? I think she just said yes because she wants to reinforce that behavior. Wants me to kiss a lot of other people's ass, like she wants me to kiss yours. [Boy makes an odd face.] What would you want, a doctor who holds your hand while you die, or a doctor who ignores you while you get better? I guess it would particularly suck to have a doctor who ignores you while you die.

Patient: I should go.

House: You think it's going to come out on its own? Are we talking bigger than a breadbasket? 'Cause actually, it will come out on its own, which for small stuff is no problem. Gets wrapped up in a nice soft package and plop! Big stuff, you're going to rip something, which speaking medically, is when the fun stops.

Patient: How did you -

House: You've been here half an hour and haven't sat down, that tells me its location. You haven't told me what it is, that tells me it's humiliating. You have a little birdie carved on your arm, that tells me you have a high tolerance for humiliation, so I figure it's not hemorrhoids. I've been a doctor 20 years, you're not going to surprise me.

Patient: It's an MP3 player.

House: [has to digest this for a moment] Is it… is it because of the size, or the shape, or the pounding bass line?

Patient: What are we going to do?

House: [looks at his watch] I'm gonna wait.

Patient: For what?

[Cut to House leaving the exam room.]

House: Okay, it's 3:00, I'm off. Would you tell Dr. Cuddy there's a patient in Exam Room 2 that needs her attention? And the RIAA wants her to check for illegal downloads.



《S1X4 MATERNITY》

病人:最近我覺得我的關節都變鬆了,還經常覺得噁心。可能我運動過量了吧。我在跑馬拉松,每天大概10英里,但我都沒覺得自己瘦了一點。
House:舉起你的手臂。
(病人依言行事)
House:你身體裡有個寄生蟲。
病人:像絛蟲還是什麼?
House:躺下,把毛衣掀上去一點。可以把手放下了。
病人:你有什麼辦法嗎?
House:除非他大概只有一個月左右。超過一個月還要拿掉就是違法的,除了一些州例外。
病人:違法?
House:但是不用擔心,很多女人都會學會包容這個寄生蟲。(開始照超音波)他們給他取名字、給他穿上小衣服,和其他寄生蟲一起準備出去玩。
病人:玩?
House:你自己看看。(將超音波顯示螢幕轉向病人)
病人:但……這不可能。
House:嗯,我猜你的月經沒來。也許這能給你一點提示。
病人:但是我有注射妊娠素(避孕方式)。
House:是的,我看到了,我看到你手上的疤。
病人:我的醫生說如果有效的話,我的月經就不會來。
House:嗯哼,太有趣了,如果無效的話,你也沒有月經。這就是為什麼你應該做些常規的生育測試。
病人:哦--(懊惱貌)
House:我會叫護士過來幫你安排產前檢查,你的預產期大概是五個月後,所以你現就要開始準備洗禮了。
病人:呃,醫生?我和我丈夫確實想要一個小孩,但是,喔,老天!大概四個月前,我們大吵一架,他搬出去了,然後我做了一件蠢事。
House:一夜情?
病人:前男友。
House:嗯,我會再幫你安排一次親子鑒定。
病人:我不能讓我丈夫知道這件事。
House:你前男友跟你丈夫長得像嗎?
病人:(猶豫貌)像……
House:那就生下這個孩子,他永遠都不會知道。最成功的婚姻都是建立在說謊的基礎上,你要準備做一次偉大的嘗試。

<><><><>幾天後<><><><>
(病人帶著她的丈夫來找House)
病人:House醫生!
House:哦!不。(立刻調頭就走)
病人:House醫生!這是我丈夫Charlie。
House:是誰讓你知道我的辦公室?
病人丈夫:Jill,看吧,很顯然他不想我們兩個來煩他。
House:喔,我只是試著躲起來。
病人:醫生,我們只是想問問你上次說的我可能得單核細胞增多症的事。
House:單核細胞增多症?
病人:是呀。你看,是不是Charlie也應該做個檢查?你知道的,就是測試,血液測試。
House:對~嗯,對不起,我……我有時候不太記得病人,我還以為你是那個不知道怎麼避孕的?蛋。
病人丈夫:我不可能有單核細胞增多症,我都沒有覺得噁心還是什麼的。
House:(電梯門開)剛開始的症狀很有可能是這樣。(走進電梯,門緩緩關上)明天早上打電話到我辦公室,我幫你安排血液測試。
病人:謝謝!
病人丈夫:我都沒覺得疲累。
(病人拉著丈夫離開)

<><><>幾天後<><><>
House:我可以肯定是你丈夫導致你覺得疲勞的原因。
病人:哦~哇!哦~感謝老天!哇~我要做媽媽了!哇~十分感謝!我要送你一份禮物什麼的。
House:有時候最好的禮物是不要再見到你。
病人:喔,好吧!但,House醫生你實在太酷了!我的意思是,我真的、完全相信你。你覺得你……
House:不。
病人:可以做的產前……
House:不。
病人:或者替我接生孩子?
House:答案是「不」。
病人:好吧。
(雖然被打擊但還是一樣欣喜若狂的病人)


Patient: My joints have been feeling all loose, and lately I've been feeling sick a lot. Maybe I'm overtraining; I'm doin' the marathon, like, ten miles a day, [House looks tired] but I can't seem to lose any weight.

House: Lift up your arms. [She does so.] You have a parasite.

Jill: Like a tapeworm or something?

House: Lie back and lift up your sweater. [She lies back, and still has her hands up.] You can put your arms down.

Jill: Can you do anything about it?

House: Only for about a month or so. After that it becomes illegal to remove, except in a couple of states. [He starts to ultrasound her abdomen.]

Jill: Illegal?

House: Don't worry. Many women learn to embrace this parasite. They name it, dress it up in tiny clothes, arrange playdates with other parasites -

Jill: Playdates…

House: [shows her the ultrasound] It has your eyes. [It's a baby!]

Jill: But… that's impossible.

House: Well, I assume you weren't getting your period. Maybe that should have give you an inkling.

Jill: But I'm on this birth control implant…

House: Yeah, I know. I saw the scar on your arm.

Jill: …and my doctor said I might not get any periods at all if it was working.

House: Mm hmm. Interestingly enough, you also don't get any periods if it isn't working, which is why you were supposed to get regular pregnancy tests. [Jill makes a pained face.] I'm going to send a nurse in here to schedule your prenatal care. You're due in about five months, so start planning the shower.

Jill: Um, Doctor? Please. Me and my husband wanted to have a kid soon, but… oh, God. Like four months ago we had this really big fight. [House looks like he knows where this is going] He moved out. I did something stupid.

House: One-night stand?

Jill: Ex-boyfriend.

House: I'll schedule you a paternity test, too.

Jill: I can't let my husband know.

House: Does the old boyfriend look like your husband?

Jill: [thinks a little] Yeah…

House: Then just have the kid. He'll never know. The most successful marriages are based on lies. You're off to a great start. [He leaves, Jill looks like she's going to cry.]

<><><><><>

[Cut to House leaving his office. Jill runs up, towing her husband.]

Jill: Dr. House! Dr. House, this is my husband, Charlie.

House: Who told you where my office was?

Charlie: Jill, come on, he obviously doesn't want us bothering him.

House: Ooh, I was trying to hide it.

Jill: Look, Doctor, this is about the mono you said you thought I had…

House: The mono?

Jill: Yes. You know, shouldn't Charlie be tested? You know, [House looks at Jill like she's insane] the test. The blood test.

House: [catches on] Right. Yeah, I'm sorry, I sometimes forget patients, I thought you were this idiot who doesn't know how to use birth control. [pointed look]

Charlie: I can't have mono. I don't even feel sick or anything.

House: That's very often the first sign. [He gets into the elevator.] Call my office in the morning, I'll schedule him for bloodtests. [The elevator doors close.]

Jill: Thank you!

Charlie: I'm not even tired.

<><><><><>

[Cut to House, who's meeting with Jill.]

House: Your husband is definitely the source of your "mono".

Jill: Oh, wow. Oh, thank God. Wow, I'm going to be a mom. Whoa, heh heh. Thank you so much; I gotta get you a gift or something.

House: Sometimes the best gift is the gift of never seeing you again.

Jill: Okay, all right! But, Dr. House, you've been so awesome. I mean, I really, totally trust you. Do you think you -

House: No.

Jill: -- could do the prenatal?

House: No.

Jill: Or deliver the baby?

House: That would be no.

Jill: Okay!

[Cut to Ethan and Karen sitting on a couch in the waiting room.]

    全站熱搜

    rayfen 發表在 痞客邦 留言(6) 人氣()